Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere

We’ve all heard of multicultural societies and countries, but we never often think of multicultural individuals. Monocultural means you’re from one race, biracial are those who identify with two races, multiracial identify with three or more, and multiple heritage are those who appear to be from one place but originate culturally from more than one.

I’ve been feeling lost lately – in many different aspects and many different ways. I know I am not the only one out there who have a similar experience, and sometimes I wish I can find a community that shares similar experiences that I can fully belong to.

Belonging is a state I haven’t truly experienced properly throughout my life… to be honest, I don’t think I’ve experienced it at all. It never really bothered me, or maybe I haven’t really had the privilege to really think about it or truly feel it… until now.

Where are you from?

The dreaded question that it all falls back to – where am I from, I wonder?

Do I answer with where I was born? The places I’ve lived in? Where my grandparents are from? Where my parents are from? Simple and straightforward as the question may seem, it’s a loaded one, with so many aspects to cover.

It’s easiest to identify with the country I was born in, the country I grew up in. “Oh, I’m Saudi.” …But I don’t identify with the majority of the population. It only raises more questions, from Saudis and non-Saudis alike, about my identity. I am constantly reminded of what I’m not – how I’m neither European nor Arab. What am I? I subconsciously feel stressed about not being able to fully act in the part that I identify with – my Arabic accent is from all over the place, I don’t speak German to be able to identify with my Austrian side, and I don’t look neither here nor there. The list goes on and on.

Yes, I fit in quite quickly with the multiple places that I’m from, and share many common factors with each and every group that I identify with, but none of them see me as one of them. I constantly feel that I belong everywhere and fit in nowhere.

Interestingly enough, you would think that having siblings would be a source of comfort and belonging – in many ways it is. But identifying with more than one culture means that every sibling will have their own individual journey and experience, and some could end up identifying within a culture more than others. The partners that we end up with, the places that we end up living in, the experiences that we face, all shape how and who we are. And so, when every experience is singular, it can get quite lonely.

So far, Canada has been the most welcoming place that I truly felt myself in, with no need for any alterations. There is no need to water myself down for anyone. It’s just me, as I am. People don’t demand and never really cared about my origins or really even asked or wondered – as long as I’m a decent human, that’s all that matters, no judgments or second thoughts.

When I entered into the social media scene, the spotlight on my identity shined brighter. Saudis don’t see me as Saudi, neither do Iraqis, nor Austrians, Egyptians, or Canadians. The Arabs comment on my mixed Arabic accent, wondering where I’m from since they can’t really place it. The Europeans and North Americans see the Arabic and automatically label me as “Middle Eastern”.

Questions of who am I rose all over again. My emotions and thoughts about identity rose to the surface. Which audience do I belong to? Which country will my audience primarily be from? Will they welcome me as one of them? I am a foreigner wherever I go. There are no familiar circles to fall back to except myself – and so, by myself I remain…

It never truly bothered me, and I haven’t usually paid much thought. I’ve come to terms from an early age that I was different and excluded myself in a variety of ways. Was this the right thing to do? Maybe, maybe not. Was it a defense mechanism to survive? Most probably. But for some reason, this particular exclusion hit different.

I delved into my thoughts and emotions, maybe for the first time, with clarity and in search for answers. Maybe it’s because I assumed that the Internet was an open stage for all, and that everyone from everywhere was accepted as they are and had a place.

Yet the reality of it is quite the opposite – the Internet is like high-school all over again. With many cliques in every niche forming a tight circle waiting to pass judgement on your every move. Here I am again, watching the “popular” people bullying the “weaker and smaller” ones, giving them the illusion of acceptance before taking advantage of them for their own personal gain. The popular cliques competing with the other popular cliques, asserting dominance over this virtual stage that we all seemingly share. Here I am again, reliving the adoration and reverence of the “popular kids”, watching behind the scenes as they struggle with their own selves, portraying and pretending to be someone they’re not, struggling with their own self-esteem, trying to live up to the illusion that they created for themselves (they can’t) while taking advantage of those who revere them for their own personal gain – for their popularity, seeking validation from the masses, seeking the money of corporations by advertising things they don’t know, understand or care for. Fear-mongers roaming the stage, spreading misinformation and ignorance and thriving on people’s fears and self-doubt, not caring to check for the validity of what they’re spreading since it brings them views, likes, and follows.

Here I am again, expecting to see authenticity, honesty, community, acceptance, truth… instead being faced with deception, competition, social climbing, and greed. A constant race. To where? Who knows.

It brought back many hidden emotions within me of my own experience in school, the dark side of my life that I’ve tried to bury away, and here I am, within the very same environment I tried very hard to escape from – my old self resurfacing, my survival mode initiating, my desire for belonging igniting.

And that’s where I paused.

Let’s take a moment… a breath.

Let’s fill our entire chest with air.

Inhale in 3… 2… 1…

Hold. 1… 2… 3…

Exhale in 3… 2… 1…

I am not the person that I was in school anymore.

I do not seek nor care for the validation or acceptance of anyone but myself.

I do not need nor care for anyone’s support or love but myself and those who truly matter around me.

I do not need to belong to a certain place or thing. I am me. As complex as I am. I am from the entire world and the entire world is within me.

Yes, people might not really understand where I’m from or where I truly belong, but it is not anyone’s duty to understand nor is it my responsibility to explain who or what I am to anyone. I am proud of my cultural ambiguity and I belong wherever I decide to be.

There are people and places who will always search for a label to place upon you to be able to adjust their treatment and judgement of you, or maybe it’s to feel better about themselves – go ahead. Label me as you please. It only reflects upon your own insecurities and misconceptions.

Seeking approval and validation is a trap many fall into, and understanding that you should seek neither will ultimately set you free. Why seek validation from those who are not valid?

The Internet creates a virtual world where the need for approval heightens, and that can become dangerous for those who have yet had the honor of being introduced to themselves.

Stand confident in your own worth, and people will respect you for it.

“Stop looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love – you have a treasure within that is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.” – Eckhart Tolle.

This is a reminder, for myself and to you, to look within yourself first and foremost. To understand and acknowledge the triggers that might be around us, and to face them in order to heal and grow. It isn’t easy to look at what hurt you in the past and validate the pain, but it is essential in order to bypass it and move forward. For you to be able to deal with situations in your life now as they are, unbiasedly, without reacting to triggers that might bring out the old self that hasn’t had the chance to heal.

Healing and growing is a journey, and there are setbacks at times. Having a setback for an hour, a day, a month, is normal and okay – as long as you don’t let it consume you. Don’t allow anyone or anything to steal your peace and mental wellbeing. The experiences in your life, the good and bad, shaped who you are today. So just as you accepted and loved the positive experiences that helped mold you, you must acknowledge and not hate the bad ones. Knowing your self worth and always trying to become a better version of yourself and truly appreciating your journey without self-hatred or blame will allow you to make wise decisions and will enable you to see the world from outside a narrowed lens.

The power of the mind is real and it’s true. What you give power and value to in your mind has power over you, because you allowed it. So stop with the comparisons, with the competition, with the validation-seeking, with societal expectations, with the people-pleasing. You are you, with your own timeline, your own journey, your own accomplishments, and your own worth. How the world sees you depends on how you view yourself, and “how you see the world depends on how you look” – so look at it with love, acceptance, empowerment, and gratitude.